Powerful Questions: Reaching Beyond the Head

Questions shape every interaction we have. With our kids, our teams, our partners. But most of the time, we ask questions that close people down instead of opening them up. In this episode, I break down the difference between yes/no questions, why questions, open questions, and powerful questions. 

I explore Daniel Kahneman's System 1 and System 2 thinking, and why real behavior change only happens when you move someone past automatic responses. Each level of sport, youth, college, and professional, gets its own example of what this looks like in practice. This is not about being softer. It is about understanding what each question actually does to the person in front of you.

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Transcript

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Powerful Questions Acumen Collective The Coactive for Sport Leaders Series I was preparing this article on powerful questions when I realized something. As I worked through the skills and principles I use in my coactive coaching, I noticed I had blended two things together powerful questions and open questions. They are related, but they are not the same, and if you are going to understand one, you need to understand both. So this article is about both and why that matters. Questions shape us. Questions are more dominant in our conversations and connections than we often realize. Every interaction, every relationship, every difficult moment, questions are there, and how we ask them has a massive impact on what happens next. Why didn't you do your homework? Why did you leave the dishes on the counter? Why didn't you pass to the open player? Do you plan on finishing your project this week? Don't you care about your commitment? Do you really want to win this game? We ask them to our kids, to our spouse, to our colleagues, to the people we lead. We ask them because we care, because we want things to change, because something is not working, and we want to understand why. And nothing shifts. Look at those questions. Can you recognize some patterns? Pattern one, yes or no. When you ask a yes or no question, you have already built an opinion into it. You have already decided what you think about the situation. The question itself contains a statement, and when you ask it, the person can only answer yes or no to what you have already decided. There is no room for discovery, no space for them to think about what is actually true. You get an answer, but nothing shifts. Pattern two Why When you start a question with why, you activate something specific, the defense lawyer. The part of the person that explains, that rationalizes, that defends. And the lawyer's job is to give you reasons, to explain the facts. But explanation is not discovery, it is repetition of the same internal story they have been telling themselves for years. These two patterns keep people in their head. Answering, defending, explaining but not discovering. Now, I want to put something out here. If I were hearing this, the contrarian part of me would immediately push back. Wait, there are absolutely moments when yes or no is the right answer. There are times when why is exactly what you need to ask. And you know what? You are right. There is absolutely a time and a place for these questions. But the key is awareness. When you ask a yes or no question, know that you are closing the door to discovery. When you ask why, know that you are activating the defense. Sometimes that is exactly what you need. But if that is the only way you operate, if every conversation defaults to these patterns, then nothing changes. The goal is not to eliminate these questions. It is to know what you are triggering when you ask them. Open questions reaching beyond the head. There is another way to ask open questions. Questions that begin with what or how? Questions that have no predetermined answer. Questions that say I genuinely do not know what you will say, and I am curious to find out. Instead of why didn't you do your homework? Try. What got in the way of finishing your homework? Instead of why did you leave the dishes on the counter? Try. What would help you get the dishes done? Instead of why didn't you pass to the open player? Try. What were you seeing in that moment? Instead of do you plan on finishing your project this week? Try. How would it feel to finish this? Instead of don't you care about your commitment? Try. What does commitment mean to you? Instead of do you really want to win this game? Try. What would this win mean to you? These questions do something different. They do not activate the defense lawyer, they do not close the door, they open it. And in opening the door, something shifts. When you ask an open question with genuine curiosity, you move the person from their head into their body, from explaining into noticing, from defense into discovery, and noticing actual felt experience is where change begins. Open questions create space, but there is more. When someone answers an open question, the impulse is to jump in with your own response, your own solution, your own take. That is listening level one. You are already thinking about what you will say next. A simple shift changes everything. After they answer, pause, then ask, tell me more. Three words a small question that says I am still listening. I want to understand more. Keep going. When you do this, something shifts in the person. They are not defending anymore, they are exploring, deepening. And in that deepening, they often discover something about themselves they did not see before. That is the power of following an open question with genuine listening and genuine curiosity. But there is another level still. Powerful questions. Real change is hard, genuinely difficult. We see it everywhere. In politics, people defend their positions fiercely, spend hours debating and rarely shift. Why? Because they are stuck in their head. Logic against logic, defense against defense, and nothing moves, but here is what is interesting. Often what people are defending is not even connected to their actual values anymore. They are just defending, because they are locked in their head and have not accessed anything deeper. Now imagine a player, same pattern, different context. He keeps making the same mistake. You have told him a hundred times. He understands it intellectually. He agrees with you. And then two days later, the same thing happens again. Or worse, a player with real talent who loses his temper under pressure. Costs the team. Costs himself. You talk to him about control, about discipline, about what he needs to do differently. He nods. He gets it. And then in the next game, the amygdala fires. Survival mode activates, and he does it again. This is not a head problem. You cannot think your way out of an amygdala response. You cannot rationalize yourself into a new nervous system response. The change has to happen deeper. This is where powerful questions live. A powerful question does not try to convince, it does not debate or defend, it invites the person into a different part of themselves. The part that feels, the part that notices, the part that is connected to their actual values, not the defended story. When you ask a powerful question, something shifts. The person pauses. They do not have an automatic answer, they reach deeper, and in that reaching something opens. They access something true, something real, and from that place real change becomes possible. A powerful question does not stand alone. It comes after open questions, it comes after you have listened deeply. It comes after the person has started to explore. And then in that moment of openness you ask the question that reaches deeper. Something like if your future self, five or ten years from now, looked back at this moment, what would you want them to see? A question like that stops someone. They cannot answer automatically. They have to reach, and in that reaching they access something true about who they actually are and who they want to become. That is where real change begins. System one and system two. Daniel Kahneman is a Nobel Prize winning psychologist and the author of Thinking Fast and Slow. His work changed how we understand the human mind. He identified two systems of thinking that operate inside all of us, and once you understand them, you cannot unsee them. When I say two plus two, your brain answers immediately. four. You do not have to think. You can be juggling a ball, shooting a basketball, driving down an empty highway. The answer comes automatically. That is system one thinking. Fast, automatic, no effort required. Now imagine I ask you sixty four times thirty seven. Most people have to stop, they have to think. You cannot juggle and do that math at the same time. You cannot wash dishes while solving a complex problem without pausing. You cannot drive through heavy city traffic making split second decisions while also thinking deeply about something difficult. That is system two thinking. Slow, deliberate. It requires effort and focus. Our entire survival depends on system one. We cannot think deeply about every single decision. We would never move, we would never act. System one is how we navigate the world at speed. It is essential. But behavior change does not happen in system one. It happens in system two. A powerful question triggers system two. It stops the automatic response. It forces someone to pause and actually think. And in that pause, something shifts. They access something true. Something they have not considered before. I will dedicate a full bonus episode to System 1 and System Two thinking, and what it means for leadership and behavior change. Stay tuned for that one. The self, ask yourself. Before we explore what this looks like across different levels of sport, I want to bring this back to you. I have moved this section here intentionally. If you want to apply this to yourself before going further, you can stop here or keep going. Either way is right. What has been most powerful in my coactive journey is not just the framework or the tools. It is what happens between my coaching sessions, the conversations I have with myself, the questions I ask myself when something difficult comes up. Lately, as a young dad of three kids where sleep has been really challenging, my wife and I find ourselves more tired. We disagree more than we used to. The disagreements feel real, they are real. And when I step back, I realize the tiredness amplifies them. But it does not create them. The difficulties are there. But here is what I have learned. If I stay in my head during these moments, the saboteur shows up, I rationalize, I defend. I build a story, we are not made for this. We want different things, and I can spin that story deeper and deeper until it feels completely real. The defense lawyer takes over. And all the defense lawyer does is defend. It does not bring resolution, it does not bring clarity. But when I pause, when I step back and ask myself the kinds of questions my coach would ask me, something shifts. I move from my head into my body. I connect to what is actually true beneath the story, the lack of sleep, the real difficulty, and then what do I actually want for myself? Not a defense, a real answer. If I stay in my head, the stories multiply. We are so different, we are not compatible, and I can rationalize that deeper and deeper, finding all the flaws that support the story. But when I pause and ask myself questions, open questions, powerful questions, something shifts, not because one question fixes it, but because I start to look deeper. I start to discover what is actually true beneath the story. Maybe it is that we are different, and that difference, when I stop defending against it, becomes our strength. Why we are good together, or maybe I realize something else entirely. This is just one example of what can surface when you ask yourself powerful questions. There are countless others depending on what is actually true for you in that moment. But the point is I move from defending to discovering. Here is what I have come to believe. Every human leader needs this. Whether you are a sports coach, a business leader, a parent, a teacher, a dedicated space outside the noise, a coactive coach, coaching sessions, once a month or every two months, whatever fits, not because something is wrong, but because life is complex and leadership is lonely, and having a place to think deeply about who you are and who you want to be changes everything. And then in the moments between those sessions, you find yourself asking yourself those same questions in the car, with your family, in the quiet moments, and that is where the real work lives. The question is are you asking yourself the right ones? Youth E questions that open curiosity. A young athlete has an opportunity in the moment, a shot to take, a decision to act, and they hesitate. Don't take it. You do not always have time to pull them aside right then, but when you do, when they come back to the sideline, when there is a second, you have a choice. You could ask, why didn't you take that shot? The question closes them down, makes them defend, shuts down curiosity, or you could ask, what did you see in that moment? One question keeps them in their head, defending. The other opens them, invites discovery. And here is what matters. Everyone watching hears that question. Every young athlete on your team is listening. And in that moment they are all reflecting on their own hesitations, their own moments when they did not act. Your open question invites their curiosity too. The compounding effect ripples through the whole group. Elite college when behavior patterns run deep. Open questions work here just as much as they do with younger athletes, maybe more so. But at this level, when patterns run deep, when a talented player struggles with team dynamics, with commitment, with showing up the way the team needs, an open question alone might not be enough. This is where a powerful question can land, but here is what is critical. You cannot jump straight to a powerful question. You have to anchor the conversation first, with open questions, with level two and three listening, like we explored in the listening episode, with genuine curiosity both for the player and for yourself. This combination creates real connection, and without connection nothing opens. A talented player, great skill, but struggling, not following through on team standards, important to the team, but his behavior is affecting the culture. You could ask, why aren't you committed to this team? The defensive response comes Explanations, justifications. Nothing shifts. Instead, start with open questions. What is going on for you right now? What do you need from the team? How are you feeling about your role? Listen, genuinely listen. Let him explore, feel heard. And then when the moment is right, when there is real connection, you ask the powerful question. Fast forward five years, you are playing at the level you have always dreamed of. Your future self is looking back at this season. What is that version of you saying to you right now? That question reaches past the behavior and into who he actually is, who he wants to become, and from that place real change becomes possible. Professional unlocking what is already there. At the professional level, every player who made it has something talent, work ethic, skill. But there is always something more, something to unlock. A player might be incredibly skilled but struggle to stay locked in defensively. Another might have all the tools but lapses in focus under pressure. Emotional regulation, consistency, the willingness to trust the system. For younger pros, there is still time, still room for change. If a player can shift even one of these things, they unlock the next level. Everyone around them knows it. The coaching staff knows it, often the player knows it too. But knowing is not enough. A coach can show video, can break down film, can explain exactly what needs to unlock. The player can agree completely, understand it intellectually, and then in the next game, the same pattern shows up. Because by this age, behavior is locked in the nervous system. By twenty to twenty three, these patterns are wired deep. They live below conscious awareness. The amygdala does not rationalize, it responds. Rationalization does not reach it, logic does not touch it. This is where the powerful question becomes essential. An extremely talented player, everything you need in terms of skill, but struggles to stay locked in defensively, lapses in focus, cost the team. You could spend an hour showing him video, explaining what he missed, why it matters. He nods, he gets it, nothing changes. Or you could ask open questions first. What is happening for you in those moments? What do you notice about your focus? What would help you stay locked in? Listen. Let him explore. Feel heard. And then when the moment is right, the powerful question What would it take for you to believe in yourself defensively the way the team believes in you? That question does not ask him to think. It asks him to feel, to notice the gap between how the team sees him and how he sees himself. And in noticing that gap, something shifts, not in his head, in his nervous system, in his body. There are many powerful questions. The one I shared is just an example. If you want a collection of powerful questions specific to your context, whether you are coaching, leading a team, or working in another field, reach out. I am happy to share what I have been working with and tailor it to where you are. In closing, open questions, powerful questions. They sound simple, but they are not about being nice or softer. They are about reaching the place where real change actually happens. When you ask why, when you ask yes or no questions, you activate the defense lawyer. They rationalize, and you rationalize too. You think they have answered, and nothing shifts. When you ask what or how, when you ask with genuine curiosity, you invite discovery. You create connection instead of defense, and in that connection a powerful question can land, a question that stops someone. That makes them reach deeper, that opens the possibility for expanded learning and fresh perspective. This is not about technique, it is about understanding what each question does, why and yes no close doors, what and how open them. And when the door is open, when there is real connection and safety, a powerful question invites someone to feel, to discover, to become. That is where change begins, not in answers, in questions. Coming next. Next I explore curiosity, not as a nice to have, as the foundation. Without it, questions become tools of control. With it, they become invitations to transformation. Resources Coactive Training Institute Coactive.com Daniel Kahneman Thinking Fast and Slow